A Detailed Guide Into Why Love Is Pain And Heartache

Love is pain. Anyone who has ever loved and lost, or has seen their love go unrequited knows this. The idea of love has always been a tricky concept. You can never pin down exactly how intense it is, and you can never exactly specify the individual emotions involved. It is part of its multi-facected nature that it can be both the most wonderful thing in your world, and the most terrifying thing you will ever encounter. This is why a lot of people wonder why love is so painful.

The contrary nature of love and how one generalised state of being can be the root of so many complex and convoluted emotions. But such is the addiction of the feeling of love that it is what makes our little world keep on turning. If there is such a thing as perfection, then love is the closest we can get to it. In its expansive nature that can cover everything in the spectrum between good and the bad, beautiful and the ugly. As the nearest thing that we have to a flawless whole, it is something that is the concern of all of humanity.

On thinking of love, we don’t usually associate love and pain, one’s thoughts naturally lead towards the happier and more benevolent kind of love. We tend to think of the love of beginnings, of beauty; the kind of love that is responsible for breathing life into us. But as is always the case, there are other kinds of love – much darker, and way sadder. This love is only experienced by those who love someone that they can never be with. It is not the love of beginnings, and it is only morbidly beautiful because it is the only remnant of something that could have been staggeringly beautiful. The pain of love becomes apparent, and we always think of this: Love is painful.

1. Love Isn’t Always Rosy And Other Types Of Flowery

Love Is Pain

Image: Shutterstock

As opposed to what most of us would like to believe, in the comfortable midst of collective wishful thinking, love is not always a happy story. It does not necessarily mean that the people involved will be together at the end of the tale. The union of two lives is not always a pre-destined thing or a foregone conclusion. Painful love is a thing.

At times, but certainly more than once in a blue moon, the tale of love ends with a wedge being driven into the relationship between the two people who are involved. A person can love another with everything they have to offer, with all their heart and soul, and it still may not be enough. And what is worse, one has to live with the knowledge that despite all their love, the one they love may never be able to or may never want to reciprocate that love. The worst tragedy is when two star crossed lovers love each other wholeheartedly, but still have no chance of ever being together. This is not us trying to rub it into your face, this is sadly our reality. This is the truth, not everyone in love ends up with the one they love. This is why a lot of people are concerned with how and why love is pain.

Once you’ve cried and raged, you have to accept this, you have to accept the pain of love. Fairytales are well and good, and movies are always beautiful; but these and other lies that were fed to us from our childhood, tales of the perfect romance, have destroyed a lot of our chances at real love. The rationale of love is a misnomer, because there is no rationale in love. There may be certain laws and rules in love, but there is no generalised overlying logic. And while it is irrational, it is also commonly heard that love alone is enough to keep a couple together. But this isn’t true. When confronted with reality, after a while we find that all our delusions about love do not suffice to allow us to make it through. Reality is not always convenient, and it doesn’t have to help create reasons for lovers to be.

Love Is Pain - Fear

Image: Shutterstock

Some combinations of people are just never meant to work out. Either one of them, or both, will have some quirk, belief or habit that will just rub the other one the wrong way. Co-habitation becomes nearly impossible. And for all who disbelieve, well, show us one couple on the planet that likes absolutely everything about each other. Certainly, they will find a few aspects of their partner to be cute and unique, but they definitely do not love them; they are accepted as things that have to be accepted. And in some cases, these aspects or quirks might just not gel at all with the other partner. Certain behaviour and thought patterns will never get along, or even co-exist. In some cases, it is just clearly, and sadly, a case of simply not being compatible.

Even if the individuals in a couple are completely in love, and have learnt to accept parts of the other that they do not particularly favour, there will still always be problems that will arise from time to time. And if they want to deal with each other for the rest of their lives, and want to live together in the best approximation of possible harmony, then they will have to learn the ways of compromise.

[ Read more: 12 Soothing Quotes For Her Broken Heart ]

2. Compromise – That Heartless Beast

Compromise Sad love

Image: Shutterstock

Compromise, the word itself resembles some dark force waiting in the wings and shadow to devour our individual freedom and rights to do whatever the hell you want. At least for people for whom compromise is a hard concept to wrap their heads around. Sometimes in love, you do not always like everything that the other person brings to the table, but you are enough in love to want to get over those niggling little details in order to be able to live with them. But even then, some people are just not ready or even willing to compromise. And sometimes -and this is how you know love is pain -despite a fervent desire to do so, it is still impossible to compromise. Despite what our emotions say, sometimes, even that is not enough.

If one is ready to make the choice of compromise, as opposed to getting wrapped up in individual perception, then one can chose to try and make it work for them. As long as something is not completely against the grain of your nature, given time, you can deal with it and find ways to get around such problems. But, even then, there are cases where the simple act of compromise is still not enough. There are times when despite all the reasons that say yes, there are still some reasons that two people just can’t and won’t be together, ever. This is in fact the crucial factor for deciding whether two people can stand in the face of adversity and remain lovers: whether or not they are able to forgive and forget.

Sad Love

Image: Shutterstock

Due to the intrinsically intense nature of the emotions of love, sometimes people act in the heat of the moment, and may make, from time to time, poor choices. We might unwittingly step on the path towards being hurtful towards the last person you actually want to be hurtful towards. These lapses in judgement, the little lies we tell ourselves over time, and all those unfinished conversations pile up. This accumulated emotional clutter then begins to haunt a relationship in the present. And once that relationship ends, you move to another, lugging along all the unresolved emotional baggage from the last ride of the merry-go-round.

3. Like Banging Your Head On A Brick Wall


Image: Shutterstock

There will always be lovers who just cannot work together, and this is primarily due to the fact that they cannot accept compromise. People such as this tend to break up a lot and then get back together, and then repeat this chain to ad infinitum. Like magnetic poles, they will oscillate around each other, exerting a horrible pressure on the both of them, as they keep trying to renew things afresh. But, since they are not dealing with all the emotional baggage that they are dragging around, in the midst of the storm, the fit-to-bursting baggage will explode into a firestorm of emotion and hurt. Personal demons will be unleashed, and fire will scorch the plains of their relationship.

The problem with love is that it leaves very deep scars. The pain caused by love is never easily forgotten and rarely easily dealt with since they can’t be forgotten by an act of will. When one hurts the person they love, they also in effect hurt themselves. And once the hurt has been caused, you cannot take it back. Even something so simple as a word cannot be erased from existence and memory once uttered. Thus it is extremely hard to pull of even the smallest kind of reconciliation between two spurned partners. And this is simply because of the nature of trust, once you lose it, it is hard to regain.

It is the likely scenario that both people in a relationship have their fair share of scars from past encounters in love, and some of these wounds will probably never fully heal. But this is something that we have to learn to live with, because there si simply no other option. You cannot recede into a cave and cut yourself off from the rest of the race as you clamour not to get hurt again. You can only hope that you will find another to love, and another reason to live; seeing as the path to happiness lies in moving ever forward.

[ Read more: Break Up Quotes For Him To Feel Happy Again ]

4. Love Is Growth

Move on Sad love

Image: Shutterstock

As tumultuous as love is, it paves open the way towards a deeper understanding of the self, from which you can aim for further growth as a person. It is a transformative force, and like any force of change, it is accompanied by its own growing pains.

As like any transformation, it comes with its own things to deal with. Moving from an older way of life to a new one is always difficult, to say the least. When one phase ends, you are hurt, a little lost and more than a bit afraid of what lies ahead. The fear of the unknown is the longest lived and greatest of all the menagerie of fears that we live with in our lives. Fear has to do with negativity at its roots, and it is this negativity that we must overcome if we are to move onwards.

As is the case with most things, the problem lies in the mind. It is the fear that is choking your mind and preventing it from acting in free abandon. When a relationship ends, you are thrust mercilessly into the winds of uncertainty, and in the midst of our hurt, we are often too lost to look for any guiding light to help us ascend to a better place. Fear always drifts out of the feeling of confronting the unknown, and out of the swaps of negativity that prevents us from looking up. There is always a temptation to just give up, because we feel how could life get better, especially since you are now doubly afraid of getting hurt a second time. The ego cannot risk another attack, and so it retreats from the world. Love, in its true form, is the death of ego. Love cannot be hoped to be channelled, it runs like a flood, going where it will. So instead of trying to think of how it should be and how it was, go with the flow. Be present in love. Be gracious in love, so that you can be grateful for everything that you do have. To give love is to receive love, and vice-versa. Be surrounded by love and positivity, and if can’t, then try your best to be. Always love being aware of yourself, and do not ascribe difficulty in life to fate and the past, you always have some hand in the matter.

Keep your mind open, and your soul fresh. Do not stagnate in pools of dark thought, but deal with them and let the unplugged flow clear out the corners of your psyche. Think of love as a furnace, and think of yourselves as superior rakes, that have gone through the cleansing fire, with which to till the soil of your relationship.