When Intolerable Cruelty Meets Basic Instinct: 7 Stages Of Grief And The Battle Royale For The Remote

By Ananya SayeeAnanya Sayee  • 

Hurray! You found the other half of your soul, your chweety-baby is with you, and together in time you will make more copies of all that puppy power. You’ve been dating for a year and then honeymoon phase is still in full swing. You’re both so happy Putin could be puking rainbow coloured hearts in chocolate raspberry sauce in a Gangnam Style photo-op. You think you’re the yin to his/her yang, and all those differences balance out to make perfect harmony, don’t you?


Wait till you have a fight over the remote; matter vs antimatter is a recipe for the Big Bang. You’ll want to watch GOT and he’ll wanna see a Dr. Who rerun. Or you’ll wanna watch your pirated movie and she needs to know what’s happening in the LOL tournament, and her lappy just doesn’t cut it. Or worse, you wanna check out the news and he wants to watch Bear Grylls eat something no one would even look at…all night.

Don’t worry, yeah, love is the strongest bond, thicker than blood and all that. You’ll survive. You’ll grieve, but in the end, Romeo dies with Juliet.

1. Shock


You thought you were perfect for each other, you like the same stuff, you wanted the same things, you watched the same shows. How could you have known that your S.O. (significant other, not the other S.O.) recorded it to watch it later? I mean, who watches Attack On Titan (the series) after the movie is out? And how could he have forgotten that PLL is ending this week! He said he watches it everyday…the scheming wench. It’s like someone slammed a pineapple up you and then proceeded to spank you, with another pineapple! How do you react to that, other than with complete shock?

2. Denial


Wait, hold up… You think she didn’t hear you. Watching the live telecast of Miss Universe 2015 is not something he’d not let you watch, right? He knows you got to see Frozen today. Maybe he didn’t look at the time. It’s not like her to just change the channel right that moment five seconds before Ellen.

Denial flows aright, here and Egypt and your backyard. You need to plug that leak.

3. Anger


And plug you will. Dafuq, you can’t change the channel coz I went to pee! Everyone’s watching, and you called everyone over to watch season finale of The Good Wife, and you even opened the good wine. Oh there will be hell to pay. But you see it in her eyes too… the look. That look Batman gives Superman, and you know, there’s no holding back the anger at that sheer inconsiderateness of your feelings. And you can feel it building, that air of a fight. And you know, you need to sleep with the remote tonight, or she’ll never give it back. Who gets back from work the first wins the round of the day.

4. Bargaining


Stages one, two and three cycle each other for many dark days, and soon the sex is zero. It’s now time for bargaining. Only one of you will emerge victorious, the one who bargains right. And one of you has all the power, and it’s the one who’s the one on his/her back in your love lair. Babe, I’ll do the laundry. I’ll record it for you. You know I want to watch it. But I never ask for anything. Okay fine, you can keep the remote, I’m going to Lana and John’s place for the night.

But none of that’s going to work. Coz you know, you can’t keep bargaining for TV time forever, and if you don’t get into a schedule soon, then it’s bye bye happy time this week again.

5. Depression


You will finally get here when you realize you can’t watch ESPN all night every day of the week. Or MN+. You decide it’s cool, you’ll get your lappy. But the minute you look at the lappy screen, your heart breaks. How could this be. He was so cool in the beginning. But it’s all changed. And the dream is over.

Maybe you’ll ask the next date about their TV schedule the first hour in.

6. Testing

You both wake up on Saturday. You come into the loo with the remote in your pocket. He’s brushing his teeth. He looks at the bulge in your pocket and then at you. Your eyes meet in the mirror. And you finally get it. You’re both losing. So you stare back for a minute while you decide between a full bladder and peace. And then he sighs and moves out to let you pee.

Do you leave the remote in the loo, or on the sofa? Maybe make breakfast together watching something he likes. Maybe he’s thinking the same thing. Maybe you’ll test the waters and try compromise.

7. Acceptance


She wants to watch Vampire Diaries, and you love her cosplay, so you let her. Or he actually likes Kill Me Heal Me, so maybe you’ll try watching it with him; who knows, maybe you’ll ride the Hallyu wave too. So you give in, a bit, and your bae gives in a bit too, and though it takes a bit of time, you both go back to being that perfect happy couple, who truly belong together.

Huh, you think, one fine evening of Fringe reruns, maybe Romeo and Juliet didn’t have to die after all.

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