15 Tips To End Your First Fight Fast

Couples argue. They fight. It gets ugly sometimes. Most fights have solutions. Few don’t. People get hurt. Shit happens. It’s the price of having dealings with other humans, so they say.

It doesn’t have to go that way. Your first fight can give you valuable insights about your new partner. Your first fight establishes the rules for all the fights the two of you will have. Until the first fight happens, you’ve been seeing only the good side of the person you’re dating. Now you get to see the other side. Don’t make your decision about the person until after you’ve seen it all.

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Your first fight may not be the right time to start trusting each other completely, but it is the time to start using your heads.

Talking about using your heads, here are 15 tips that will help you end your first fight fast (or better still, even avoid it in the first place). Remember!

That first fight can’t be avoided. But you can make sure it doesn’t end with an incomplete solution, if you stick by the rules of the game. Without the rules, any tips are kind of incomplete. The rules work for all kinds of fights and arguments, personal or otherwise.

Here are 5 Golden Rules.

Rule 1 – Come Clean

When you start dating, the both of you will want to make the best impressions, so you will be the best versions of yourselves for the first few weeks or months. That’s a nice thing to do, but this version you portray is generally not all that accurate, and that potentially sets you both up for a lot of resentment. So don’t lie, about anything. And if you have, clear the air; the faster the better. This will help you not just in this fight, but in any fights to come.

Rule 2 – Don’t Fight Silly

Generally, the first fight is about something stupid, which basically means some form of resentment built up. If the first fight a couple has is of this type, unless there is a solid solution, one that is a wholesome solution that satisfies both sides, it’s normally wise to quit while you’re at it. If not, be warned, here be emotional vampirism.

If the fight is of this type, at least one party must significantly acknowledge the stupidity of the fight. That sets the stage for sensible fights only. If the person you’re dating goes on to initiate more pointless arguments in the future, then you know what you’re in for.

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If your date insists it is not pointless, request for an explanation why. If the answer to that question is something like ‘you won’t get it’ or ‘you won’t understand’, or ‘it’s just that way’ or the dreaded ‘you just don’t get it’, or the even more apocalyptic ‘it’s so obvious’, consider running like hell. If she or he goes on to give some kind of explanation instead, you have a chance.

If it is about something serious, or defining, that’s a good sign. These kinds of actual ‘adult’ fights happen once in a while only, and when they do happen, they’re meaningful. And that sets the tone of the relationship – no disagreements or arguing over silly stuff, like the colour of the bedspread or who each person talks to.

These fights will happen over important things, and they rarely even qualify for anything over an argument. They don’t happen often. And that generally means you’ve found someone who could make it work.

Rule 3 – Play Fair

When two people have a fight, it’s not just the two involved. Opinions clash. And in a setting as personal as a relationship, it has fugly results. Some people have a tendency to assume you are questioning what they believe to be absolute truths, i.e. their beliefs. Some assume you are pointing a finger. Some assume you may be belittling them. Always play fair.

Rule 4 – Have Self-respect And Self-esteem

You can’t live on love and fresh air. You’re not in 50 Shades or Twilight, or any other movie or sitcom for that matter. You’ll have to have enough self-respect to know when someone is not good for you. And you can’t possibly make a decision about a person without knowing enough about them, unless you’re really low on self-esteem and self-respect.

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You have to have enough sense to see an argument through to finality, before drawing conclusions. If someone is good for you, you’ll need self-respect to know that too. To be a decent human being also, you’ll need self-respect.

Self-advocacy and self-love are very different from self-respect. Self-love stems from a more primal part of us, and generally involves doing whatever it takes to get whatever fix(es) our ‘crazy parts’ want. Self-advocacy comes from a place of guilt, shame and pain; it’s not the best source.

Self-respect involves a healthy acceptance of who you are, what you are, what kind of person you are, and how you would like to be treated. If you don’t have enough of it, you’ll be needy, defensive, aggressive, forceful, threaten-some, you’ll bully, you’ll have poor impulse control, you’ll take a bit of pleasure in hurting people, and you’ll have gallons and gallons of subconscious resentment. Not a good place to be in, or a nice person to date or be dated by.

You don’t have to ‘win’ anything or anyone. Anyone who thinks that way should not be allowed to date, or reproduce. ‘Losing’ an argument just means the other person knows more, or was more persuasive, or reached the right conclusion.

Rule 5 – Positive Conversation

If you’re with me so far, then you know how the best kinds of first fights go. You may start off rough, but as soon as the both of you realize this may be a point of contention between the two of you, you kick the rules into effect, and hold a ‘session’. The bae talks, you listen. You talk, the bae listens. You think it through. And then come up with a solution. Or take a while longer to think it through.

You can talk to your friends about this, but don’t drag them into a fight. If you feel you need to, then it’s a red flag for the both of you. You are both equally responsible for what happens. It’s not like you can’t defend yourself. As long as you don’t have any self-esteem issues, you’ll both know how to go about it.