Life Hacks On How To Survive A Long Distance Relationship

Let me just say this before we start. Long distance relationships are rough. And you only consider having one if you’ve already known the person from before. Otherwise, they don’t work out generally. The exception to that, and everything else, is when both members are really nice decent human beings; those types generally manage to make anything work.

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But in the event that you find yourself thrown into a long distance relationship, because one of you is going into the military, or college, or getting a better job, these pointers should help:

The Why

Don’t just say you understand this one, and skip it.

Because this is the most important factor. People don’t pick a long distance relationship for fun. People do pick things like long distance for one of two main reasons. It’s either because they want a steady stable relationship or they want to go open. If it’s the former, then you’re in the right place. If it’s the latter, it’s still okay, as long the both of you know what that entails. Open relationships over a longer period of time turn into closed ones, or they take on the ‘friends with benefits’ tag, which is neither here nor there. Or they end.

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All of the above happen because of one main objective – GOALS. It’s 2015, and you have as many chances and as many choices as you give yourself in life. Most people pick part-time relationships and long distance relationships because in this day and age, they’re the most stable kind.

We all want to get somewhere in life; that corner office, that big mansion in the pricey locale, that perfect job, that perfect future, and that matters. You don’t get a car on loan when you don’t have cash to pay for gas and EMIs. Just like that, you don’t start a future together, and maybe a family, with nothing. The pressure is on, to amass a future you want. Saying you love someone is great but words are cheap; building a future, the kind you both specifically want, is not.

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So here’s the plan – you want to make partner at your firm in the next seven years, and the significant other wants to start his/her own business. Both require a lot of time and effort. So you do that. After seven years, you get to have that awesome future you both wanted, together. Savvy?

The Who

The way we look at love and relationships is a bit skewed. The first time you look for love, you just go looking for the worst possible combination of your parents. It’s like a subconscious order. That’s why most first love stories end in disaster. And because the illusion is shattered quite brutally, we then reach godawful conclusions like ‘love is not for me’, or ‘love is not real’, or ‘nothing lasts forever’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will, and if not, it won’t’.

And then you stumble through, looking for something that will magically work, because we still labour under a lot of myths. But the funny thing is, despite all the above, you sometimes meet some great people. And you know, this time, it’s the real deal. So you should ideally do this mental dissection before you get into a relationship.

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You’ll have to ask yourself if you’re with this person because it feels comfortable, or because it feels safe, or because this is someone who you know will not hurt you. It doesn’t matter if someone is with you because you’re both pretty people, and look good together and make sense. What matters is if this person is just a filler, or a substitute, or does what you’re used to. Are you looking for something serious or not? This last one, you’ll have to tell the other person too.

Sometimes, you’ll actively have to list out all the negatives your parents have, and then compare with a list of negatives he/she has. If you really like each other, then make the list, and cross check, and talk about it. When you’re doing that, be honest. This is not a game of ‘how to win the check-list’, or how to win this game so you can sleep with this person.

Likewise, keep an eye out for the guys/girls who just want to say anything to make it work. They’ve got self-worth issues, and that means you may be a notch, or a trophy, or worse, a parental transference deadweight. Even if you’re not dissuaded, you know what you’re in for.

How Long?

This one is dependent on ‘point one.’ It means – as long as it takes. It also means that you’re not just in this for the relationship, or any of the other stuff, but for the long haul.

Assuming you’ve both thought everything through, and didn’t get together for all the wrong reasons, long haul is the plan. The ups and downs in a long distance, it’s all just static, or frequency issues because of the distance. None of it weighs into the net result.

What Else Do You Need To Know?

Long distance relationships, just like part-time relationships, allow you breathing space, and you get time to do the stuff you want; it has a lot of merits. You can work on your career, and your future. You get to do stuff you want without worrying about how it will affect your significance other. You can make new plans, rework them, or start afresh. You get to know someone loves you through it all too. It’s mostly hearts and roses. Except it’s not. It is what you both make it. You can both decide what you want from it.

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Communication is not just about talking. It’s about being together. So you decide how you want to be together. Do you want to be the couple who knit together online? Or the couple who watches TV together? Or that couple who stay on hangouts all evening, without talking, just doing what they do, pretending like they’re in the same room? Or the couple who talk on the phone, and then meet each other once a week? You can use time-tried techniques or invent your own. Long haul tends to eliminate chance of failure.

The Talks – You will also have to have the talks; yes plural, the talks. You can shake things up, and go on harmless timepass dates if you like, or you can have an open relationship, or an open relationship only during the time you’re apart, or you can be exclusive. But you’ll have to make it specific.

Rules – Apart from any rules you both agree on, the most obvious one stands – don’t cheat. If you want to be with other people, just tell them first. It’s a long distance relationship, if you want to be free, go be free, what’s the worst that can happen? You will find someone else. Just don’t be mean; treat people like you want to be treated. Don’t cheat because last time in your last relationship someone cheated on you. Basically, just know, you’re not in an episode of Catfish or Splitsvilla. Trust is paramount.

Use Your Head – What you think is your heart, might be your ego and a lot of hormones. Guys have hormone issues too.

The Dont’s

• Don’t look ugly around the other person. Long distance doesn’t mean you get fat, or furry, or smelly. This rule applies to guys too.
• Don’t get over emotional, unless someone’s pregnant.
• Don’t get snappy because work went badly. You can be moody, as long as you tell the bae why you’re moody.
• Don’t be needy. Don’t do any of those things dating sites and common sense tell you not to.

You’ll need a support system. And you need to be a stable person yourself. You’ll also need to keep an eye open, so you know when someone is trying to hit on you, so you can say ‘no thank you’ in time.

Friends will be sceptic, so have at least a few friends who aren’t. You don’t have to talk to each other’s families and friends, and it’s sometimes best to wait until it’s serious, but if you’re both cool with it, go for it. Your parents may be naysayers.

Have a ‘Pause’ system in place. It’s where you can ‘pause’ an argument, with ‘pause’ rules. You may need to spend on your communication, and other stuff, but that’s common with all kinds of relationships.

You’re both on the same side. It helps to always remember that.