53 Funny Marriage Quotes That Will Tickle Your Funny Bone
A clever quip can turn a heartfelt vow into a moment you’ll both remember forever.
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Marriage is a paradox: a beautiful, lifelong adventure that is often hilariously imperfect. Through thick and thin, it’s the gentle jabs and moments of comic relief that keep couples close—and sane. Whether you’re looking for the perfect wedding toast, a relatable anniversary card message, or just want to chuckle at the universal truths of wedded bliss, these funny marriage quotes will bring a smile to your face. Enjoy this carefully curated collection, which draws on humor from celebrities, writers, movies, and everyday married folks everywhere.
Why Humor Matters in Marriage
While romance gets the spotlight, humor is quietly the glue of any strong marriage. From inside jokes to the ability to laugh at life’s curveballs, humor helps couples bond, communicate, and survive the ‘for better or worse’ moments with grace. As you read these quotes, remember: every healthy marriage has a generous dash of laughter.
Table of Contents
- Best Funny Marriage One-Liners
- Hilarious Marriage Quotes from Movies & TV
- Celebrity & Author Quips on Marriage
- Wit & Wisdom from Everyday Life
- Great for Vows & Toasts
- Frequently Asked Questions
Best Funny Marriage One-Liners
If you love witty zingers and rapid-fire comedy, you’ll appreciate these short and snappy quips about married life. Feel free to borrow these for your wedding program, Instagram captions, or as a lighthearted icebreaker with your spouse.
- “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
- “My wife and I were happy for twenty years—then we met.”
- “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”
- “Marriage: finding that special someone to annoy for a lifetime.”
- “Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to their laughter. If it doesn’t sound like laughter you want to spend forever with—don’t.”
- “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”
- “A husband’s last words should never be: Yes, dear.”
- “You know you’re married when… your wife finishes your sentences—and your thoughts.”
- “Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”
- “Marriage is exchanging the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
- “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
Hilarious Marriage Quotes from Movies & TV
Film and television have long captured the truth about marriage through side-splitting dialogue and memorable one-liners. These quotes are great for anyone who needs a pop-culture reference in their vows, speeches, or just wants to keep things playful with their partner.
- “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Knocked Up
- “A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now. Were you aware of that? You’re dead right now.” – Bride Wars
- “If you’re thinking of getting married, you might as well learn right now that you have to let women be women.” – Hello, Dolly
- “She’s your lobster. C’mon you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” – Friends
- “Honestly, if you’re not willing to sound stupid, you don’t deserve to be in love.” – A Lot Like Love
- “I love you. That’s why I make you miserable.” – Real Women Have Curves
- “You know your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn’t screwing it up. Yeah, and your looks are kind of pretty. When your face isn’t screwing it up.” – The Goonies
- “I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure that I’m arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
Celebrity & Author Quips on Marriage
Celebrities, writers, and comedians have a gift for turning the ordinary into the extraordinary—especially when it comes to relationships. These quotes blend honest observations with a wink and a smile.
- “I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.” – Fiona Shaw
- “If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.” – Ann Landers
- “A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” – Anonymous
- “Marriage is our society’s most pro-child institution. If you want kids to do well, then you want marriage to do well.” – David Blankenhorn
- “Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband.” – Anonymous
- “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
Wit & Wisdom from Everyday Life
Sometimes the most insightful (and hilarious) marriage wisdom comes not from the famous, but from everyday people who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is. Here are handpicked gems that will resonate with anyone who’s said “I do.”
- “Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other words you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.”
- “The secret to a long marriage is a short memory.”
- “My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
- “Love is blind—but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
- “We were happily married for one month, and then we met each other.”
- “Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.”
- “Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.”
- “Marriage lets you annoy the one special person for the rest of your life.”
- “Marriage is when a man helps you solve problems you never had before you married him.”
Funny Marriage Quotes for Vows, Toasts, and Anniversaries
Want to ensure your speech stands out—or simply want to playfully tease your partner on your big day? These quotes are perfect for vows, toasts, and anniversary cards. They’re guaranteed to infuse any event with warmth, wit, and relatable honesty.
- “The key to a happy marriage remains a secret.”
- “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”
- “Remember, marriage is a workshop—where your spouse works and you shop.”
- “Marriage is just texting each other, ‘Do we need anything from the store?’ a bunch of times until one of you dies.”
- “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash
- “Marriage is an endless sleepover with your favorite weirdo.”
Silly Puns About Marriage
- Our love is knot to be undone.
- What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
- The wedding made everyone so emotional, even the cake was in tiers!
- Aisle say “I do” a thousand times over.
- You’re the loaf of my life and my butter half—we’re really on a roll together!
- And they lived apple-y ever after.
- Why did the bride change her last name? Because it had a nice ring to it.
- For butter or worse, a toast to the newlyweds!
- Don’t go bacon my heart!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: What is the best funny marriage quote for a wedding toast?
A: Many toasts feature clever one-liners like: “Marriage is finding that special someone to annoy for a lifetime.” Make sure your humor suits your audience!
Q: Are funny marriage quotes appropriate for vows?
A: Yes—if you and your partner share a similar sense of humor, it can make your vows memorable and heartfelt. Just balance jokes with sincerity.
Q: Can I use funny marriage quotes in an anniversary card?
A: Absolutely! Quotes like “Happy anniversary, I want to spend the rest of my money with you” add laughter and show you don’t take yourselves too seriously.
Q: Where do these funny marriage quotes come from?
A: They are inspired by comedians, movies, authors, and lighthearted wisdom from everyday couples.
Tips for Making the Most of Marriage Humor
- Understand your audience: Save the cheekiest quips for those who’ll appreciate them most.
- Balance humor and heart. A dash of sincerity alongside laughter makes for the most memorable moments.
- Keep it playful, not hurtful. The best marriage jokes are those your partner would laugh at too.
- Use humor as a tool for connection—a shared smile is worth a thousand roses.
Hilarious Marriage Quotes at a Glance
| Quote | Source |
|---|---|
| “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond…” | Knocked Up (film) |
| “She’s your lobster.” | Friends (TV show) |
| “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy…” | Socrates |
| “Marriage is a workshop where your spouse works and you shop.” | Anonymous |
| The wedding made everyone so emotional, even the cake was in tiers! | Marriage Puns |
However you experience it, marriage is one wild, weird, wonderful ride—best enjoyed with lots of laughs along the way. Share these quotes, savor the giggles, and remember: laughter just might be the best “I do” of all.
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